Tony the Lazy Turtle

Tony the Lazy Turtle sleeps until noon each day.

One time, Tony had to wake up before noon. He did not.

Tony the Lazy Turtle eats everything ever.

After which, you guessed it, he sleeps some more.

Tony the Lazy Turtle is always late. Always.

Tony is also a liar. An avid liar.

But, Tony the Lazy Turtle is a good friend, and we all love him.

dedicated to: Fearsome Foursome

rubes

My Blog Sucks

Pretty self explanatory.



I drew this lying down because I had collapsed out of frustration.



That one is definitely for Kim.

This next section gets a little PG-13, so younger viewers, please avert your eyes.



I AM WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME.

This is me stalling. I'll have something up next week. And Blake, I'll draw your dumb cat picture later. Twenty hats? Geez.

I hate birds more than I hate Sean Connery.

It all started back in elementary school. It was a beautiful day outside, and I was riding my super awesome pink bike in front of my house. My sister was watching from the doorway to make sure I didn't get hurt, which seems dumb now because she's only a year and a half older than me. And then, tragedy struck.



Damn, just look at how cute I am. It took me forever to get the pattern right on that creepy set of overalls. Newsflash: I actually HAD that adorable ensemble when I was little. Only I think it didn't look as tacky back then compared to the rest of the nineties.



It was not.



Now, there are a lot worse things than having a bird defecate on your hand while you're seven, mind you. I have experienced worse. In fact, here is a dramatic interpretation of me meeting an angry bird in middle school. [Click to enlarge as I am too lazy to edit the photo]



This happened a grand total of three consecutive days that week. By the third day, I grudgingly made my ham and cheese sandwich with an unflattering amount of mayonnaise in hopes that when the bird stole it, it would explode or something.

I thought after only a few horrendous incidents in high school that I was finally over my terrifying, destructive bird phase. However, an annoying incident this morning has me begging to differ.



It was a beautiful morning. So, naturally, I was about to do something real dumb.



It was then that I saw the most beautiful damn bird ever. I mean, the brightest red Cardinal that you could ever imagine, just sitting on top of this statue looking like a badass. It even let me snap a picture of it. However, no run-ins with birds ever end well for Ruby.



After shouting "DOOD. DUDE. HEY. OVER HERE. LOOK, MAN. COOL BIRD. CHECK IT OUT," for about fifteen straight seconds, he finally looked. And guess what he saw? NOTHING. That little bastard flew away the second I pointed at him. I should have known from the beginning that this little crap was going to make me look like a jackass. Just like bees.




rubes

I never commit to anything.

These past few years, I've noticed that whenever I pick up a hobby or start on a project, I quickly get bored of said activity and find something else to do, like watch America's favorite Jerry Springer substitute, Maury. For instance, I picked up crocheting with my Grandma a few years back. There are oodles of yarn in my closet. I also have been working on a scrapbook in honor of my sister Pauline for Christmas. Since 2008.

But when I started this blog-this internet sensation, this glorious virtual notebook-it was different. I'm always being told I'm funny and I should write down my thoughts. So when my youth pastor casually suggested I create a website after seeing a few of my shabby Paint Shop Pro drawings, I immediately jumped face first into this new world of blogging. Might have been a bit too ambitious.



I threw some neat pictures I created onto this site, and hell, I even had the main banner custom made by J.T. himself. But after a few days, I couldn't help it. It just got dull. I would check it every now and then to see if I had any comments. Maybe I would write half of a post and save it for later, or maybe I would silently read my blogs to myself and giggle pathetically at my own terrible jokes.



I'm not sure how long it's been since I even checked this thing, let alone posted. A week? Two weeks? Aren't these things a daily kind of chore, like cleaning the dishes or calling your mom? I don't know; I'm not hip to all of this Blogspot crap. So when Cool Story Bro crossed my mind today, I naturally felt obligated to give some sort of update.



And then it hit me.



So if you don't hear from me for a while, you know where I'll be.



rubes

Hipsters make me sad.

I really think it's about time I unleash my strong hatred (and amusement) of hipsters onto the internet. I drew a few pictures for my friend Jake and figured they were crappy enough to share with my audience. Or lack thereof, J.T. aside.



This one is particularly hilarious. Unfortunately, it's not entirely true, because real hipsters would never go to Starbucks, one of the biggest corporate whores of America. They go to places like Java Shotz or Cafe du Crap where they can get extra chilled wheat grass shots in their Mo'cuccino Vanilla smoothies.



I have to apologize for this one as well, as I forgot to include the poor Hispanic families in the background. And before I get hate mail about being racist, it's OKAY. I'm Puerto Rican. I'm allowed.

ruby

My friends are just awful.

Here's the first installment of terribly drawn pictures (by yours truly) that were requested from my friends. In their defense, some of the pictures were fairly innocent, until my mind took a hilarious spin on it. Excluding, of course, the nine (and counting) penis requests I recieved. Dirty, dirty.



This was drawn for my buddy Kane. He's asian. And not very creative with paint requests. But damn good at math.



This one is for Shane. He was very excited and knew exactly what he was looking for when he requested Lady Gaga on a polar bear. He's been a big help in this awful project and this turned out to be one of my favorites.






Good lord. I shake my head every time I see this one. For my Spongebob-obsessed older sister (and my adorable nephew, Raiden), and I'll post the original terrifying picture over here somewhere so you can compare. It's a fairly decent episode.



For Shelbie. How the hell does one go about drawing a seahorse? Whatever I drew turned into some sort of terrifying bird-fish catastrophe, so I just improvised. Sorry Shelbs.

That's all for now, folks. If you want to request a picture for me to ruin, send me an email at superfriendly.aviator@yahoo.com. Keep in mind that I will neglect anything terribly naughty, and I refuse to draw something without any thought behind it. i.e., anything along the lines of "a dog" or "my self portrait" will NOT be drawn. You will be laughed at, unless you are particularly funny-looking, in which case I will have no problem making fun of your dumb face by drawing a crappier version of it in paint.

ruby

First time for everything.

Hello, companions.

This will be my first blog (of, hopefully many) for Cool Story, Bro. I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Rubes, and I produce awful drawings in paint. I also ramble on about useless and ironic things that infuriate me. So, I hope you're not looking for too much in this relationship, because honestly, I'm going to be half-assing it.

I'll leave you with this terrible picture of some sexy food.

ruby