It all started back in elementary school. It was a beautiful day outside, and I was riding my super awesome pink bike in front of my house. My sister was watching from the doorway to make sure I didn't get hurt, which seems dumb now because she's only a year and a half older than me. And then, tragedy struck.
Damn, just look at how cute I am. It took me forever to get the pattern right on that creepy set of overalls. Newsflash: I actually HAD that adorable ensemble when I was little. Only I think it didn't look as tacky back then compared to the rest of the nineties.
It was not.
Now, there are a lot worse things than having a bird defecate on your hand while you're seven, mind you. I have experienced worse. In fact, here is a dramatic interpretation of me meeting an angry bird in middle school. [Click to enlarge as I am too lazy to edit the photo]
This happened a grand total of three consecutive days that week. By the third day, I grudgingly made my ham and cheese sandwich with an unflattering amount of mayonnaise in hopes that when the bird stole it, it would explode or something.
I thought after only a few horrendous incidents in high school that I was finally over my terrifying, destructive bird phase. However, an annoying incident this morning has me begging to differ.
It was a beautiful morning. So, naturally, I was about to do something real dumb.
It was then that I saw the most beautiful damn bird ever. I mean, the brightest red Cardinal that you could ever imagine, just sitting on top of this statue looking like a badass. It even let me snap a picture of it. However, no run-ins with birds ever end well for Ruby.
After shouting "DOOD. DUDE. HEY. OVER HERE. LOOK, MAN. COOL BIRD. CHECK IT OUT," for about fifteen straight seconds, he finally looked. And guess what he saw? NOTHING. That little bastard flew away the second I pointed at him. I should have known from the beginning that this little crap was going to make me look like a jackass. Just like bees.
rubes
